The Addiction Nobody Talks About: Control

If each of us were completely honest with ourselves, there likely isn’t a single person who doesn’t desire some degree of control in our lives.

As we grow older, control removes dangers and unpredictabilities. We like to know each ingredient of the food we put into our bodies, we like to think we can control our emotions when we’re heated, and we may wish to control some of the destructive behaviours of our loved ones.

But is there a point where a person can become addicted to control, and what are the ramifications of unchecked compulsions? We’re opening discussions on being addicted to control and looking at ways to develop healthier responses to uncertainties.

What does being “addicted to control” really mean?

A person cannot be clinically diagnosed as “addicted to control,” but in many ways, the behavioural patterns of a person who must control or shape an outcome can mimic compulsions to drugs or alcohol.

Have you, at one time in your life, been around a person who needs to manage, shape and predict an outcome, and feels uneasy if it doesn’t go their way? When we were younger, we might have made a passing comment about this person being a “control freak,” which is not a nice term, but it goes some way to describe their authoritarian behaviour.

For someone in that cycle, control serves as a kind of safety net against uncertainty or discomfort. This person might perceive that chaos will ensue if a small and relatively insignificant outcome is not met.

Striving for stability is natural and essential to some degree, but when a person becomes upset because a minor, uncontrollable change happens, it is time to ask if flexibility should be worked on. If left unchecked, an inability to be flexible and feeling threatened by spontaneity can become detrimental to countless aspects of your life.

Relationships can become eroded, opportunities can pass you by without you realising, and stress can become embedded in everyday challenges. In a comparable manner to drug and alcohol addiction, the overwhelming compulsion to control can offer a short-term sense of relief or empowerment, but it will come at the cost of long-term balance and your deep peace of mind.

How control itself becomes a source of addiction

When we conceptualise control, or being in control of something, we often only consider it as a strength. We tell ourselves that control is the antidote to chaos, as it creates order and predictability. But much like substances or compulsive behaviours, our brain can start to crave more of it.

• The spiralling desire to “micro-manage”: Control starts out as healthy organisation, but often spirals into constant over-planning or interfering with others’ choices. A pursuit of perfection, with no end, which only serves to aggravate you when aspects of your life inevitably change.
• When structure starts to suffocate: Structure is, of course, valuable, but when your routine becomes rigid to the point of panic if disrupted, then control is no longer protecting you. It is restricting you and is likely dominating your life, as well as the lives of some of your loved ones.

Signs that control-seeking is becoming detrimental

Being hooked on control will often show up in emotional, behavioural and even physical ways. Recognising these early can help stop control from taking a deeper hold of your life:

Could an addiction to control overlap with other addictions?

Broadly speaking, being obsessed with control may make a person more prone to becoming addicted to a substance. Research shows that people with a substance use disorder may share common brain abnormalities that reduce their capacity for impulse control. This could suggest that they are less able to exert self-restraint when it comes to taking drugs.

People struggling with substance or behavioural addictions may develop a parallel obsession with control as a way of compensating. For example, someone in recovery may cling to strict routines or dietary rules as a substitute for substances. Others may turn to exercise, work, or perfectionism with an intensity that mirrors addictive patterns.

This overlap can make recovery more complicated, as the same need for relief and predictability is being channelled into different outlets. In some cases, we may find that it can fuel codependency and addiction, where relationships are used as a way to maintain control or stability.

If we keep this in mind and recognise the overlap, we can be more compassionate to those in need of healing and recovery.

Aren’t we all addicted to control, in some way?

To some extent, yes, everyone seeks control. It helps us feel safe and stable, and gives us a purpose to push forward. There is, however, a difference between self-discipline and an excessive need to dictate every outcome. For many, the line starts blurring when fear, anxiety or unresolved trauma drives the need for absolute certainty.

This is where therapy for trauma can be critical, helping people to process unresolved experiences so that the grip of control begins to loosen.

We think of it this way: wanting control is human; needing it at all costs is ultimately destructive.

The key lies in noticing when control stops supporting your life and starts restricting it. This is where control has morphed, from “just being organised” to a mask placed over the addiction to control.

Practising “letting go” without losing yourself

Being able to let go of some amount of control isn’t always easy. You may tell yourself you are abandoning your responsibilities or being careless. However, we must be able to see through the mist of control and work on loosening its grip on your wellbeing.

Some small, intentional steps can help you practice this balance:

• Try flexibility in routine: Make sure you are able to let plans shift occasionally without labelling the day as a “failure.”
• Delegate where possible: Trust others with tasks instead of carrying the full burden yourself.
• Embrace uncertainty in safe spaces: You may try mindfulness, meditation, or creative hobbies, each as a way to explore settings where outcomes aren’t fixed.
• Focus on values, not perfection: Anchor yourself in what truly matters instead of needing to control every detail.
• Set a “good-enough” threshold: Try making a conscious effort to counter “perfectionism.” Define done at, say, 80%, accept it, then iterate if needed.

Developing coping strategies in rehab or during therapy can also support this process, giving you practical tools for managing the fear that comes with surrendering control. Over time, these strategies encourage the practice of letting go in recovery. They help with building resilience and trust in life’s unpredictability.

Where can I find help for addiction or unhealthy control patterns?

If you’re facing deep struggles with substances, behaviours, or an unrelenting need for control, you don’t have to face it alone. Reaching out for help can make all the difference.

Take the first step with us today. Your future self will thank you.